Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
I shall be an autocrat: that's my trade. And the good Lord will forgive me: that's his.
The funniest people are the saddest ones.
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by idiots.
You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.
I drink and I know things.
It's not easy being drunk all the time. If it were easy, everyone would do it.
Everything's better with some wine in the belly.
You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole.
This is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.
Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.
Calmer than you are.
Over the line! Mark it zero!
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax.
Donny, you're out of your element!
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
I think it's really important to not be famous. If you can figure out a way to be famous and not be famous, that would be ideal.
The Declaration of Independence I always considered as a theatrical show. Jefferson ran away with all the stage effect of that.
Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.
It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself.
Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine!
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied.
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.
You can't do anything in life. The social barriers are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread.
Dick's method is this. You write down the problem. You think very hard. Then you write down the answer.
There is only one way of surviving all the early heartbreaks in this business. You must have a sense of humor.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
